Before coming to Shanghai, I had friends and even strangers ask me why I chose to study abroad in China. They were genuinely curious about what drew me here and what I expected to find for myself once I arrived.

Typically, I would answer that it was the first location that my university’s Global Bachelor’s Program would be sending us to. It was mandatory. That was usually enough to quell people’s curiosity. But others, like my parents and closest friends, wanted a better answer than that. Those close to me know that I love to talk and rarely respond vaguely. If I can give you more information, I’m going to give it to you in the most detailed way possible! Haha…not always the most efficient mode of communication, but I enjoy interacting with others. That’s me. What can I say?

To them, here is my long, drawn out answer:

I have spoken the language of every place I have ever visited. I went to Italy, I speak Italian. I visited France, I speak French. It was as simple as that. I could find my way by asking a local in their native tongue, I could order my food exactly as I wanted it and, most importantly, I could interact with the people in a way that made them feel that I was not such an outsider. They felt comfortable welcoming me into their lives. That’s a true gift that I took for granted.

My friends, no, my family in Italy became close to me in part due to the fact that I spoke their language —enough to be understood— and showed enthusiasm for their beautiful culture. I acquainted myself with the music they listened to. (What’s up Fedez?!) I learned to make the foods they enjoyed. (Risotto is everything I’ve ever wanted out of life!) In my heart, I became an Italian. To this day, not a month goes by without us—my Italian familia— being in contact. I love that and wouldn’t trade it for anything.

But as someone who prides herself on her identity being centered on being a “traveler” I knew that I would have to experience travel in the same way most others do— by visiting a country that I did not speak the language of, did not know the culture of, and did not know the people of. China was my answer.

So here I find myself, on the other side of the world, hindered by my inability to communicate with those around me. My senses are heightened as I am forced to interact with my surroundings in a way I never have before. When I want food, I have to point at the menu as if I’m a child and pray that they bring me what I ordered. If I am lost, I have to hope that my phone is alive so that I can use Apple Maps to find my way. Sure, I’ve taken the initiative and learned a few key phrases and have even mastered the metro system. Yet, I still find myself struggling. My identity is being challenged here. Am I really a true traveler if, after an entire month of living here, I still don’t feel “at home”?

In France and Italy, I felt so comfortable. I knew where to get the best deals for things…I knew where the locals hung out. Heck… I knew where the libraries were! Here, in Shanghai, I have yet to explore locals’ hangouts. To be frank, I’m frustrated with myself. It’s as if I have some sort of invisible wall preventing me from going out and exploring on my own. I stay with my group and when I’m not with them I’m at school or in my apartment. That’s not me.

I also still feel as if I have half of me back home in the States. My cousins just had their beautiful baby, one of my best friends is running for president of our student government, my other best friend has her eyes on a cute guy, and Tan France (from the best show ever: Queer Eye) is going to be on my campus!! I have major FOMO. I should be there to babysit, advocate and support, be a listening ear, and get a picture with Tan France! How ridiculous is that? I’m in China literally living my dream and all I’m thinking about is what I’m missing out on back home. Give. Me. A. Break. *rolls eyes super hard* I am becoming that person and this just needs to stop.

In a way, I knew this would happen. I knew I would have my doubts about this trip at some point. I didn’t realize it would happen a month in… yet, here I am dealing with it. But I’m not one to lament. So, what to do to get me out of this funk? I need to center myself by writing in my journal.

Anyone who really knows me is aware that whenever I am going through a particular conflict— whether it be with someone else or by myself—I like to write down exactly what it is that is bothering me and create several possible solutions to resolve them.

Sidenote: As this blog grows, you’ll get a better idea of the kind of person I am and hopefully become interested in sharing your struggles with me so that we can address them together here, because I know that you’re not the only one going through them.

I’ve figured out that, in order to refocus myself, I have to reprioritize what I want out of this trip and figure out ways to make sure I accomplish that.

1. I knew that I wanted to experience travel in the way that most do by going somewhere completely new.

   Check!

2. I also knew that I wanted to explore my career interests while I was here by starting a blog and YouTube channel.

   Check and… almost check! (Okay, making a note to get on top of that second part. Moving on…)

3. I knew that I wanted to get to know more people.

   Making a mental note to reach out to students at Fudan University that seem nice and invite them out somewhere. <<< I’ll include you all on an outing with one of them soon!

4. I knew that I wanted to safely explore Shanghai and China .

   To accomplish this I am going to push myself to get to know different parts of the city with those I befriend from item 3. I will also plan out several weekend trips to do on my own outside of Shanghai!

I feel like I’m back on track. I’m focused and I know what I have to do to get rid of my FOMO and really soak in this beautiful opportunity that I am living.

But there is still something missing…

Random Moment (I promise that this ties in!)

I have this weird obsession with air.

Hang on! Hear me out.

Whatever new place I go to, whether it be a new part of my hometown or a different country, I have to really breathe in and smell and feel the air. There are days here, where I’m walking back to my apartment from the train, heading into class, or sitting by my window when the wind graces me with its presence out of nowhere. I feel it all over— my face, my neck, my hands. But the places where I really feel its power is in my mind and spirit. I feel it telling me to just take a moment to revel in the beauty of my surroundings. There is beauty in everything and because of that, it is possible to feel at home anywhere. Because just as there is beauty in the places you feel comfortable, there is beauty here, in the place you’re not quite at home in yet.

That is the similarity that centers me and lets me know that I’m going to be OK. The small moment where I’m in the park thinking about some unfortunate event that had occurred to me earlier. This is when the wind lifts my head up to watch the grandfather laughing and playing with his granddaughter or the street performers intricately showing off their talents, and the stray dogs sweetly wrestling with each other. This gives me the chance to take a step back and see, really see, what I’ve been missing out on.

The wind reminds me that there is a whole world, filled with good, right in front of me and it pushes me towards it. As long as I remember to refocus myself I always know that I can trust the wind to help me find the beauty I’m having a hard time seeing.

In the end, yes, I am still a traveler, I just need a little more time here to feel as comfortable as I know I can be.

I’ve found the beauty in China and now, it’s up to me to explore it. I can’t wait!!