leaving the ring.

If fear says “what if” and faith says “even if”, then I am well on my way to believing that I trust myself, that I am formidable, that I am adaptable, and that I am brave because “even if” has been joining the chat.

I had become accustomed to self-destroying, self-sabotaging, and self-admonishing rhetoric–and, in some ways, still am (though I am working on it!). Being so harsh with myself is a trauma response. I’m hyperaware of all the ways I fall short and name them to myself so no one else can beat me to it. I do it to protect myself because, surely, their words won’t hurt nearly as much if I’ve already said them to myself (over and over and over). Surely, I can shame myself to become better, perform better, look better,…

What changed?

It stopped working. Simple as that. I found myself in a loop of misfortune that kept me stagnant. And criticizing myself wasn’t working anymore. I used to rise back up, round after round. Heck, I was known for it: “Alexa’s so resilient,” “Alexa’s been through a lot but she always come back stronger,” Well… I wasn’t getting up this time. I needed support. I needed softness. I needed ease. I didn’t need to be patted on the back for how well I could take a hit. Unemployed, broke, and uninspired. I was too tired. I was too hurt. My opponent, that mini devil on my shoulder, was relentless. 1, 2 criticism! 1,2 judgment! The punches came faster and faster until, finally, they were blinding. What was the point of getting back up if I was going to be left slumped in the corner, with a busted lip and brutal concussion every time?

Unlike past transformations, the unignorable pull to change isn’t being fueled by shame and self-disgust this time. I am not overwhelmingly “over myself”. As potent a sentiment that may be, it doesn’t align with how my healing journey has invited me to be in company with myself. Shame is not an adequate or sustainable persuasive tool. Compassion is.

Whereas my self-talk before would have echoed judgements like, “You let your nest become your prison,” “ You should have a career and stronger savings by now,” "The common denominator is always you so, clearly, you’re the thing that needs fixing–a complete overhaul,” “You didn’t work towards your goals today so, clearly, you must not really want to reach them,” and “That’s too big a reach, especially for someone like you, be realistic.” Yikes. Just writing those out makes me wince.

Now, I’m more inclined to gather affirmations, curate kind and truthful mantras [from those affirmations], and ask questions rather than succumb to judgments. The self-talk sounds more like this now:

“Your home, which you’ve decorated beautifully by the way, has served as a sacred place for you to heal, nurture, and release. She has done everything she was created to do. Not sure if that means it’s time to let go of her forever; you’re only tasked with being present today. But it does mean it’s time to give her some breathing room for bit. Maybe let someone else experience her magic? Either way, you’re being called to experience a new reality. You’ve been wanting to explore the world for years! How fun! let’s go!!” or “I know you have big ideas for how you want to live your life, baby girl. I think that’s so great. Still, I have a question for you. Why does it all need to happen right now? I’m thinking it’s a good idea to leave a bit for later to look forward to, no? What’s the rush? You dreamed of getting to this point for so long: your own place and beautiful friends. Let’s enjoy them and let the other stuff come when it’s good and ready. It’ll be even better then, no?”

How much more inviting! It feels like a hug from a trusted friend. Not being delusional, not uttering false positives. Just being present, practicing gratitude, being curious, and taking stock of all the power I do have to curate my life. Letting this narrative take over more and more has been lifechanging.

I listened to an interview featuring Auntie Tracee Ellis Ross recently (goodness I adore her) and she got me thinking about purpose. We’re so distracted by the need to appear productive, fatten up our résumé, and have material things to demonstrate our importance. That is what guides our purpose. Well, Auntie Tracee has a different take. In her interview, she shared something along the lines of working towards no longer being distracted by comparison and, rather, being captivated by purpose. This got me thinking about how I am personally being called to think about my purpose. I think I’ve settled on a pretty solid answer:

Purpose, for me, is defined as dismantling a foundation of fear, masked as “common sense” and others’ opinions, from being the canvas upon which the illustration of my identity is drawn and, instead, coming to a place of deep self-trust that coaxes my imagination, turned dreams, turned visions to take root and be the paint brushes that color and shape my reality. To be self-curious, not self-judgmental in order to achieve proper clarity on what it means, looks like, and feels like to be me, Alexa Claire.

So, I sat down with that and decided…

I’m headed to Europe this summer.

Completely on my own and I could not be more proud of myself. This adventure was born from a promise little me made to herself. I’d been putting it off for three years because of a slew of financially-related self-judgments, but I’ve finally figured…If I’m going to be experiencing a painfully light wallet right now, haha, then it might as well not be in one of the most expensive countries in the world. Please be for real!

So, with the affirming support of some key, badass girlfriends, my therapist, and trust in myself, I’m embracing my curiosity, hugging little me, hanging up the boxing gloves, and telling the mini devil on my shoulder to hush up and enjoy the view.