Building Self-Confidence: A Beginner's Guide
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“Oh, sorry, never mind.”
“Sorry.”
“I just think that…”
“Well, I don’t really know…”
At some point or another you have heard someone around you say one or all of these statements. You have heard them undermine their own authority, apologize for their beliefs, and discount their worth and what they bring to the table.
I was one of those people for a loooong time -- constantly second-guessing and limiting myself. I couldn’t fathom how I, in any way, could be enough for those around me. I had an overarching inferiority complex that followed me around like a storm cloud. It was exhausting, always apologizing for my presence and my ideas. Wanting to contribute to a conversation only to back out at the last minute because it was hard for me to believe that I could possibly have anything valuable to add. To make matters worse, Susie Q or Tommy-Know-It-All would almost always end up sharing the exact same thing I was too hesitant to say myself. I was so preoccupied with not stepping on others’ toes and so focused on *sigh* others’ comfort above my own.
I’m still reeling from the impression China made on me, but since returning, I’ve noticed a number of changes in myself. The most prominent being the strengthening of my self-confidence, assertiveness, and sense of self-worth. Not to say that I wouldn’t have learned these things if I hadn’t spent five months in Shanghai but living there certainly expedited the process.
If self-confidence, being assertive, and sense of self-worth is something you or someone you know is interested in or struggles with please read on for my building block guide.
Self Awareness
Artist: Unknown
Who Are You?
Before anyone can believe in something or advocate for it, they must be informed about it. I wouldn’t blindly stand up for something or someone if I didn’t know who it was or what it represented. The same concept applies to this.
The best way to find out more about something or someone is to ask questions. So why not start by asking yourself some questions?
What do you stand for?
What will you not stand for?
What are your beliefs?
What do you know a lot about?
Do you enjoy your own company?
How do you like to be treated?
What makes you happy?
Thoughtfully answering questions like these and so many more will help you discover who you are. It’s hard to be confident about something we don’t know about, so get to know yourself and then claim your confidence!
It’s important to ask and answer these sorts of questions every few years. We are not static beings. As we experience more and more in life, our answers to these questions will shift and we have to be prepared for that. We must get to know ourselves and what we represent during every period of our lives so that we can feel comfortable standing up for ourselves and become more assertive in our everyday encounters.
My favorite tip for this part of the process is investing in a good journal. Select one that is thick, but small enough to bring with you wherever you go. This way, you can write whenever the mood strikes you. I prefer writing in a physical journal rather than in the Notes app of my phone because there’s something powerful and profound about going back and reading old submissions. My growth becomes tangible and it helps me see and, furthermore, appreciate the changes I’ve made in my life. Perhaps journaling will elicit the same feelings in you.
A simple journal like this one would be perfect.
Give Yourself Permission to be Vulnerable
Be kind to yourself as you start decoding what makes you, you. Being vulnerable is hard to do with others, but I find it especially difficult to do alone. We can cut ties with others or end the conversation and walk away, but we can’t escape from ourselves—no matter how hard we try. So, it’s important to accept ourselves as we are, naturally, and not be so unforgiving.
As you start opening up to yourself and discovering who you are, remain vigilant as to how you treat yourself. You may not like or immediately understand the things you are discovering about yourself. It’s a process. Find solace in the fact that now, because you are aware of it, you can change it. For example, I became uncomfortable after realizing that I had fallen into the trap of being overly judgmental. I started beating myself up about it. But, now that I am aware that it is a problem I have, I’ve been chipping away at it and have gotten a lot better (lol, I hope).
As I said, it’s a process; getting to know yourself is work.
Spend Time Alone
Spending time alone can be daunting. In the beginning, we’re fine. We start filling up the silence with some music or by watching Netflix. After a while though, binge-watching “The Office” and memorizing the lyrics to Eminem’s Rap God (yes, I mean to be dramatic here), becomes tiresome. We don’t know what to do with ourselves and then the boredom sets in.
I suggest starting off slowly. Go on a twenty-minute walk a few times a week. Don’t check your phone. Really try and live in the moment as you step, one foot in front of the other. Task yourself to notice things you usually wouldn’t or hadn’t before. Smell the air and try to remember the scents of your neighborhood. Pay attention to your breathing and take full breaths— breathing in through your nose, fill your stomach, then expel.
The point here is to be mindful. During your “me time” practice being mindful about your body, your environment, and how the two interact (or don’t).
Prioritize Yourself
Artist: Cidne Wallace
You First
This may sound selfish, but if there is anything I learned during my time in China, it is that I am not in charge of others’ comfort or feelings. I am and can only be in charge of my own. I can’t control what others think or perceive, nor do I want to. I used to think I could. That it was my job to tone down who I was so that those around me wouldn’t be disrupted. All that ended up doing was stressing me out, making me overthink, leaving me friendless, and making me miserable.
In the event that you find yourself in a situation that makes you uncomfortable or that you no longer want to be a part of – for the plain reason of just not wanting to – do not hesitate to leave. Here, it is important that you check-in and remain in tune with your emotions. How is this situation or conversation making you feel? Why do you think that is? Forcing yourself to be mindful goes a long way when it comes to being self aware.
Some may criticize this by claiming it’s selfish. Well, I challenge them to think about it the other way around. Personally, I feel it’s selfish for others to expect you to remain in situations that make you unhappy or uncomfortable. Just as you have the right to protect your sanity and emotions, they have the right to protect theirs. How could you possibly be expected to present your best self and be a supportive friend, relative, or whatever role if you are not taken care of too? Only you know how to best protect and nurture you; that task falls squarely on your shoulders.
You owe it to your sanity to adopt a “me first” mindset because some people really be out here playing games that you do not need to be involved in.
Healthy Environment
Art: @keturahariel
Minimal Distractions
Embarking on this self-confidence journey can be made more difficult than it already is when we aren’t able to focus.
My time in China was spent mostly alone. Me, myself, and I. I was free to explore the city of Shanghai by myself whenever I wanted. I wasn’t beholden to the responsibilities or stressors of everyday life that I have to deal with on the home front. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here though. I’m not saying you have to hop on the next flight out of the country to get some alone time. I am, however, emphasizing the importance of establishing an oasis in your space so that you can have a place to center yourself.
This oasis can be a physical place or in your mental. Maybe you could light some candles or purchase some $5 pixie lights to strew along the walls of your room to set the mood. Make a playlist that makes you feel like a BOSS.
Do what you must to de-stress so that you can focus on yourself.
Keep Good Company
Think of it this way, self-respecting people do not want to occupy their time with those who aren’t respecting themselves. Those who do are typically immature themselves and, so, not worth your time (until they grow up). In general, I’ve found that people are not drawn to perfection in others. They are drawn to shared interests, concerns, and an individual’s life energy.
Befriend and surround yourself with individuals who acknowledge, support, and appreciate you. Remember, your “you” doesn’t (and shouldn’t) need to be modified for all of us on the outside into a singular expression. You are multidimensional -- made up of a multitude of various characteristics. Just for fun, let’s use this metaphor: think of it as a chocolate cake. Multilayered is rich and savory. One layer is... pleasant and satisfactory. I’d rather be a memorable serving of rich and savory any day. Pleasant and satisfactory doesn’t feel like it would make a lasting impression.
Bottom line, you did the work getting to know who you are and exploring all that encompasses. If others are meant to be in your life, they will be willing to put in the work too.
Don’t ever hide your energy or try to manipulate it into something it’s not. You choose how to define yourself, once that’s done or in process, everything else falls into line. Instead of questioning yourself, question the company you keep and the ideas you allow to have an effect on you.
Never feel like there’s something wrong with you or that you are not enough. You are more than enough. You just have to recognize, respect, and live this way so that others can realize it.
Cheers to you on your self-confidence journey!
Did this post speak to you? Please don’t hesitate to share your thoughts down below in the comment section!!
