Reconciling Body Image with a Positive Perception of Self

Blog Post Image - Artist - (IG) @emilydavisfashion done for @nunude_official

I was going to start by sharing a series of moments from my life that expressed my challenging body confidence journey, but ultimately felt that this particular anecdote would serve well. Especially considering that it is the root from which most of my confidence issues stemmed from:

After a fun-filled night of dancing, laughing, and socializing, I thought I had finally gotten my crush to notice me. I was so excited for what the end of the evening would hold. I saw his friend pull him over to the side as the music started winding down and decided to follow – you know, so that I could get the inside scoop on how he really felt about me. I was sure we were on the same page. Ha… yeah right.

“So, what do you think of Alexa, man?”

“I mean, she’s a dope dancer, but brooooo did you see those arms on her? Those things were bigger than mine! I don’t know man, that ain’t for me.”

“Soooo true! Bro, I don’t even blame you. Pretty gross honestly.”

“Right?!”

Ouch.

Yep, I had gotten him to notice me alright. But not in the way I had hoped.

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Those formative years of my life were ridden with distressing, self-probing questions:

“Why do I have to look like this?”

“How come I’m the only one?”

“How do I change this?”

None of the questions I dared to ask myself entertained the idea of accepting and learning to love myself as I was.

My body didn’t fit in on either side of the body positivity movement. I wasn’t skinny or curvy so, it felt... wrong to announce my body image issues. Was I allowed to have them?

I also wasn’t constantly tormented by my body image. There were plenty of times where I found myself in front of the mirror at a clothing store and hating everything that reflected back. But there were also plenty of moments where I thought I was amazing and looked strong and fantastic. So, again, because my torment wasn’t a constant, was it valid? Did I have the right to speak up about it?

I didn’t feel I did.

I know I am not the only one who has had issues with my body. Perhaps some of you are continuing to battle your body image? Having confidence in your body is not easy, especially when we feel it has let us down. It’s not a “fake it until you make it” type deal. It is one of those things that we have to face head on and get vulnerable with in order to get a handle on.

I want this blog post to help you along your body confidence journey. Everything I share here is drawn from my lived experiences. No embellishment. Nothing left out. Our bodies are intimate subjects, so to be able to truly help you I need to be authentic with you all. As hard as it is to write some of the things I will share, I know I won’t regret it because I am trusting that it will help at least one of you.

So, how did I reconcile my body image with a positive perception of self?

Stop Signing Up to Play the Comparison Game

Artist: Pri Barbosa

I attended an all-girls, Catholic, predominantly white high school. Needless to say, it was tough on the psyche. Two of the ultimate clouts at my school were having a boyfriend and good grades. I definitely had good grades. So, no problem there. But a boyfriend – despite definitely having no idea what to do with one at 13 years old – was definitely something I was lacking.

While my classmates were collecting boyfriends left and right, I was struggling to get a single boy to glance my way. That’s when my body confidence issues grew from a mere insecurity into a measurement of my self-worth. Getting someone to like me in that way was an intimate problem to have. Rejection meant not only that they just didn’t like me, but that there was something wrong with me that made me less worthy of their love and attention. At least, that’s what I told myself.

I grew enormously frustrated and started measuring myself up to the girls around me. It occupied my mental 24/7.

What I didn’t realize then was that every day that I allowed myself to compare my thighs to Stacy’s or my arms to Kendall’s, I was signing up to play an unwinnable game. I was under the misconception that beauty existed in only a single form – a form that wasn’t mine and would never be.

We shouldn’t navigate life thinking that beauty exists that way. Flowers and snowflakes are equally beautiful but look nothing alike. Another girl’s beauty doesn’t and shouldn’t threaten yours. The sun’s rays don’t discriminate – they are equally shining on you both.

Repeating this to myself every day I dared to start comparing myself helped me enormously and I believe it can help you too.

Start Dressing for Your Body and According to Your Style

Artist: Partes

Queer Eye’s Tan France, said it best,

“ Fashion is not trendy after a season. I couldn’t give a sh** about fashion. Style is dressing the way that you feel confident and what is appropriate for you, your age, body type.”

Subscribing to trends and dressing according to what’s “in” rather than to what works for you is a huge mistake.  

2012 had many teenage girls wearing low-rise jeans, logo’d clothing, and tons of other garments that looked horrible on me, but that didn’t stop me from wearing them. In my mind, because I was following what everyone else was doing, I thought I would attract a friend, but all it did was make me feel worse about myself.

I was trying to dress to impress but was honestly just depressing myself. I didn’t feel good in my clothing. I didn’t feel like they really represented me for who I was, and, looking back now, they certainly didn’t do any favors for my figure.

Since starting college and having the opportunity to purchase my own clothing, I have become diligent about my shopping. The clothing needs to fit me, not the other way around. I don’t simply ask myself if something is the right price, but I also ask if I feel good in it, if I feel it represents me well, fits appropriately, and if it is a quality piece. I will admit, it’s a long process. I’m not one who can just pick clothing up off the rack. I have an extremely small closet, but I can say with confidence that I love each and every one of my pieces.

Also, quick tip: Befriend your local tailor!  Sometimes I will find a piece that I love but because my waist is smaller than my hips or my arms are larger, I will need it to be tailored. I’m sure you’re thinking this is expensive, but I swear it doesn’t have to be. I’ve never spent more than $15 on a single piece. Plus, the return on investment is enormous! Beforehand, I would have stopped wearing the piece and felt too big for it (which would have made me feel crappy about my body). Now, I take it to the tailor and am able to add a whole new piece to my wardrobe — which, in the long run, saves me money. It’s great!

Shop around for an affordable tailor, I promise you it is worth it.

      Become Intentional About Your Social Media Intake

Artist: Unknown

Do not be afraid to unfollow or block people for the sake of your sanity.

I’ve had to unfollow a lot of people on social media. The pictures people posted when I was in middle and high school, especially during the summer, always made me self-conscious about my body. Even now, when I see people post images or videos that don’t reflect the values I hope to see on my feed or that don’t make me feel good, I unfollow. It’s nothing personal and absolutely not something to apologize for. If anything, I think you should be proud for putting your mental health first. No one should be asking you why you unfollowed them and, even if they do, you don’t owe them an answer. Often enough, the action itself is all the response that is needed. They should be OK with that.

Making the decision to unfollow, and even block, some of them was one of the best I have ever made. Since then, I have become intentional about my social media intake by only following accounts and people that either lift me up, make me happy, or make me think. If it does not meet those three criteria, I don’t click “follow”. It’s as simple as that.

I started following social media accounts of women that I felt represented values and aesthetics that I supported and, in some ways, wished to emulate. “Streetsize” model and Muay Thai fighter, Mia Kang, is one of those amazing women. She keeps it all the way one hundred by sharing images and stories from her own body confidence journey. Her Instagram story is always filled with beautiful illustrations and empowering images of herself and other women owning who they are. After battling anorexia and learning to love her strong, natural frame, she didn’t stop there and continues to promote positive body image in women worldwide. I stand for that.

Feel free to listen to her story in the above TED talk. You can also check out her short interview with one of my favorite sites, Refinery29, here.

Start Putting Yourself in Situations That Force You to Recognize Your Body’s Power

Artist: Javi Salas

 This past summer was the hardest of my life. It was emotionally draining, anxiety-ridden, and filled with firsts. It wasn’t all bad, not at all, but it was certainly stressful.

I was fortunate enough to work at 202strong, a Cross Fit-affiliated gym in Foggy Bottom, Washington, D.C. I am convinced that that place is responsible for me not losing my mind this summer. The owner, Maddie, is… unbelievably kind, humble, and generous. She saw how stressed I was and invited me to work out with her. Now, full disclosure, though I enjoy sports and love weight-training, I am not the best at it. My endurance sucks, I have bad knees, and my excuses list for not working out runs on and on and on. Maddie saw right through all of that and continued to push me to try a class.

I did. Pretty sure I died for a few minutes though, haha. I was sweaty, light-headed, and gross by the end of it but… I felt SO POWERFUL. I didn’t know my body could do all of that AND live to tell the tale! I didn’t miss a single workout after that. Four days a week, after my shift, you could find me in a 202strong class or a yoga class that I had found using one of my favorite apps, ClassPass (get your $40 off any ClassPass plan by using this link).

Before, I had always had an unhealthy relationship with working out because I had always equated it to calorie counting and wanting to lose weight. This time was different. 202strong had introduced me to the concept of fitness as a lifestyle. I started working out because I loved my body, not because I hated it. The gym became an outlet for my stress and a safe space for me to challenge my body. In as little as a month I started to notice myself being able to do more push-ups, last longer on wall-sits, and run further without getting out of breath. My energy soared and despite the emotional distress that plagued me in other parts of my life, my happiness started to return. And because my happiness was coming from me this time and not dependent on an outside source, it felt so much sweeter and lasted so much longer.

My body stopped being something I was stuck with. I started to view it as my temple. Something to respect, take care of, speak positively of, and to raise to new heights.

You get from your body what you put into it.

Dare to see what your body can do! You don’t have to do it the way I did but engage in some sort of physical activity that will allow you to, overtime, notice how amazing and capable your body is.

Spend Time REALLY Looking, at Your Body and Spending Time in It

Artist: Pri Barbosa

Okay, this is a little awkward for me, but I prefaced this entire post by saying that I was going to be honest and authentic with you guys.

It’s difficult to learn to love, trust, and respect something when we don’t know about it or really know what it looks like or how it works. So, hear me out.

Spend time looking at yourself in the mirror. Examine your face, thighs, arms, booty, chest, tummy… Look at all of it; and before putting your clothes back on, name five things that you really like.

Look at yourself every day and find new things to love about your body. Make this a habit. Touch it, caress it, don’t be afraid of it. Sleep without pj’s once in a while. Learn what your body likes and what it doesn’t.

Your body is yours, don’t be afraid introduce yourself.

Stop Giving Power to External Sources

Artist: Unknown

People can say what they want, but you and you alone have the power to allow it to affect you. Don’t hand that power out by allowing harmful words to dismantle the confidence you’ve been so carefully working on.

I don’t want you to think that I am trivializing harmful words. Not at all. What I am saying; however, is that sometimes you think the weight you so desperately need to lose is from your body, but really, it’s from the heavy, toxic, and hurtful comments and social messages that we allow to sit on our shoulders and around our hips.

“Your brain constructs your reality based on what you pay attention to. When you learn to manage and direct your focus, you can improve virtually every aspect of your life. — @thinkgrowprosper”

Learn to manage and direct your focus on just how dope, sexy, beautiful, capable, and strong your body is.

 The truth is, we all have insecurities about our bodies. It is not a skinny girl/boy/they problem. It is not a curvy girl/boy/they problem. It is an every person problem. You are not alone in what you are going through. That person you’re always comparing yourself to on your feed is going through it too.

 You could choose to keep beating yourself up or you could decide to enter wholeheartedly on this body confidence journey and learn to genuinely love and appreciate your temple.

I’ve chosen the latter. I hope you join me and make the same decision.  

Say it with me,

“Dear Body, I love you.”